One Man Gives Away All Possessions, Moves to Alaska

John P.

InuitMy dearest readers, friends, and family,

Three days ago an elderly Inuit man stopped by my home here in Dallas to discuss the plight of the native Alaskan people and their struggle against global warming. That man’s name is Ubiqwe (pronounced: ‘OOH-bick-way’), which he explained means “fish” in his native language.

Ubiqwe told my wife and I a tale of his city, “Invera” (pronounced: ‘IN-ver-uh’), once a thriving community living off the land of mother Earth, “Varicate” (pronounced: ‘VERY-cot-A’) now a modern concrete jungle infested with shopping centers and skateboarders. (I think that’s what he said… he had a fairly thick accent.) Ubiqwe spoke of his proud ancestors, the “Fors”, and their traditions which had been handed down for generations.

He went on to explain that the white man (“Canard”) had invaded a nearby territory called Fal City in search of oil (“fib”). He said that the Canards had lied to the native people, promising them wealth and security in exchange for their land – yet giving them fool’s gold instead. He insisted that it is the nature of the Canard to lie, yet his people took years to understand because there had been no such concept in the Invera culture even since the time pre-Varicate.

Ubiqwe spoke of a time when vast expanses of land, a lush green in the Summer months, were farmed by the Inuit people who rose at the rooster’s crow and tilled the fields with bulls and oxen. Yet now, those very people had been reduced to subsistence, living on a reservation run by the Canard’s in an almost prison like manner.

The people of his land however still share a common dream, proficied in their religion, of a man who would save them all by buying back their native lands and restoring the natural order of Varicate.

After hearing the Ubiqwe story of cocks crowing in the morning and bulls roaming the plains near Invera City, we were moved to act when we heard that the Fors wear rags left over from the time pre-Varicates. We were ashamed to be Canard’s and vowed then and there to give up all of our worldly possessions and join him and his people as quickly as could be arranged.

We have therefore donated $5 million to Ubiqwe’s tribe and intend to live out the rest of our days with the good people of Invera City.

This is the last you will ever hear from us dear friends. We wish all of the special Canards in our lives could share in our forswearing ceremony, but alas we will be in the remotest part of Alaska and unable to entertain so much as even mail service.

Goodbye cruel world!


The Man (and his wife)


  1. Eric says

    Yes, there are probably more April Foolisms than we’ve listed so far, but here are some:

    1. Ubiqwe = fish, so Ubiqwe’s story is a fish story.

    2. Invera = not true. Note also Invera City = inveracity = an untruth.

    3. Varicate: “pre-Varicate” = prevaricate = to lie.

    4. Fal city = falsity.

    5. Fib (oil) = well, “fib.”

    6. Canard = a fabricated report.

    7. The Ubiqwe story is cock and bull: cocks crowing in the morning and bulls roaming the plains.

    8. “Fors wear” = forswear = swear falsely; make a liar of oneself.

  2. Kirk says

    As Nietzsche once said, “There are no facts, only interpretations.” Please tell Ubiqwe’s tribe that welcoming Canard like Oneman will help as much to asking a crackhead for directions to the death star!

    Oneman, I wish you luck. Might I suggest you google the word: Cryptorchidism. I believe this is the likely physiological response to the Alaskan cold. In the words of our Inuit, “Aningaasarsiorneq Inooqatigiinnerlu pillugit” or give all your possessions to your brother!

  3. B. Dillon says

    This is a brilliant. I wonder how long it took The Man to come up with this? Since someone pointed it out on Digg I thought I’d take a stab at counting The Man’s admissions that this is an April Fool’s joke:

    1) “After hearing the Ubiqwe story” – wouldn’t that translate to “fish story”?

    2) “Fal” may be a “city”, but “falcity” is a lie.

    3) He said that all the white men lie. Isn’t he white?

    Someone said they counted at least 10??? I think I’m missing stuff. Anybody else find more? I think we need a secret decoder ring.

  4. AFJ Support Inc says

    You’ve been scammed my man. Ubiqwe is a well-known con artist and is actually connected with the corrupt mayor of Fal City. Most recently he was working with a team in Paris, France where his argument focused on the unseasonally large number of poissons (fish) in the Sein at this time of year.

    You should contact your local law enforcement people about the $5m. Refer them to case number “cl0s-ebut-n0s33gAr” which will let them tie it to the FBI tracking system.

  5. jimbeau says

    Are you sure his name wasn’t Asswipe? I have not heard of this murading group of polar dwellers, but wish you the best of luck in your new igloo.. May I have your plasma cutter and NSX??

    Ahhhhhh Trebek, but I think you do…

    Good one, but I won’t spoil it..


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