Three days ago an elderly Inuit man stopped by my home here in Dallas to discuss the plight of the native Alaskan people and their struggle against global warming. That man’s name is Ubiqwe (pronounced: ‘OOH-bick-way’), which he explained means “fish” in his native language.
Ubiqwe told my wife and I a tale of his city, “Invera” (pronounced: ‘IN-ver-uh’), once a thriving community living off the land of mother Earth, “Varicate” (pronounced: ‘VERY-cot-A’) now a modern concrete jungle infested with shopping centers and skateboarders. (I think that’s what he said… he had a fairly thick accent.) Ubiqwe spoke of his proud ancestors, the “Fors”, and their traditions which had been handed down for generations.
He went on to explain that the white man (“Canard”) had invaded a nearby territory called Fal City in search of oil (“fib”). He said that the Canards had lied to the native people, promising them wealth and security in exchange for their land – yet giving them fool’s gold instead. He insisted that it is the nature of the Canard to lie, yet his people took years to understand because there had been no such concept in the Invera culture even since the time pre-Varicate.
Ubiqwe spoke of a time when vast expanses of land, a lush green in the Summer months, were farmed by the Inuit people who rose at the rooster’s crow and tilled the fields with bulls and oxen. Yet now, those very people had been reduced to subsistence, living on a reservation run by the Canard’s in an almost prison like manner.
The people of his land however still share a common dream, proficied in their religion, of a man who would save them all by buying back their native lands and restoring the natural order of Varicate.
After hearing the Ubiqwe story of cocks crowing in the morning and bulls roaming the plains near Invera City, we were moved to act when we heard that the Fors wear rags left over from the time pre-Varicates. We were ashamed to be Canard’s and vowed then and there to give up all of our worldly possessions and join him and his people as quickly as could be arranged.
We have therefore donated $5 million to Ubiqwe’s tribe and intend to live out the rest of our days with the good people of Invera City.
This is the last you will ever hear from us dear friends. We wish all of the special Canards in our lives could share in our forswearing ceremony, but alas we will be in the remotest part of Alaska and unable to entertain so much as even mail service.
Goodbye cruel world!
The Man (and his wife)