The One Where John P. Takes Viagra, Then Tells You All About It

For years we’ve all seen the Viagra ads. They are on TV, in newspapers and magazines, at sporting events, heck I think they even advertise on the inside of lollipop wrappers to get the kids hooked at an early age. Hmmm. Viagra lollipops anyone? They’ve done such a great job at associating their brand with sex that it makes you wonder how anyone actually has sex without Viagra?

In addition to providing injunctive assistance to men who might actually have some sort of a problem (which may be a good thing, but maybe not too), the boys behind Viagra are clearly, clearly, clearly targeting a much younger and healthier audience in the hopes of getting them to use Viagra for purely recreational purposes. There is ZERO doubt in my mind about this.

Now, I’ve long wondered what the heck is supposed to be so magical about “the little blue pill”? I mean, does it make you last longer? Does it make you bigger? Does it turn you into a raging sexual animal? And while we’re at it, does Red Bull actually give you wings? The problem is, everyone has these questions, but no one with experience is willing to talk about it. Unfortunately, this leaves us with only one side of the story, Pfizer’s commercial messaging!

Well, I decided I was going to get the answers! So I got some Viagra, and here’s what happened.

Before we get started, there is something we should get out of the way up front. Any Viagra review is, by necessity, going to involve a lot of hot, steamy sex. This is something my wife was none too happy about. In hindsight, I probably should have involved her more in that part… (I don’t care who you are, that was funny!)

How to Get Some Viagra

Listen. You don’t want to go messing around with online pharmacies and off-shore doctors. There is a lot of fake crap out there! And this is your health involved here. So just go see your regular doctor and say something like, “hey, I want some Viagra”. If you are healthy enough, and you have a conversation about your rationale for using it, I’m sure it will be no problem.

WARNINGS! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!

Lets talk about the label on this stuff. First of all, the active ingredient is called Sildenafil. By most medicine label standards, this one seems kind of tame. I mean, I don’t see anything about bleeding anuses or anything. However, possible side effects include:

Diarrhea, dizziness, flushing, headache, heartburn, mild temporary vision changes, blurred vision, sensitivity to light, stuffy nose, or upset stomach.

What the heck is flushing anyway? Other than what you do when you get hit with the diarrhea they warn about…

They also Caution:

This medicine may cause dizziness, drowsiness, lightheadedness, fainting or blurred vision.

Because when you are rock hard, what you need is to be drowsy.

What is interesting to note are the Storage recommendations:

Store this medicine at 77 degrees, away from heat moisture and light. Brief storage between 59 and 86 degrees F is permitted. Do not store in the bathroom.

Do not store in the bathroom? Um. Most medicine cabinets are in the bathroom, so what’s up with that?

Common uses: This medicine is a phosphodiesterase inhibitor used for treating erectile dysfunction . It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor.

There are several warnings that come with the prescription. Basically, it warns you not to take Viagra with drugs such as nitrates, high blood pressure meds, narcotics, etc. Also, it you’ve been using any sort of drugs or device to get an erection, or if you have eye problems, ulcers, heart problems you need to stay away from Viagra.

But the best warning of all?

“CHILDREN; safety and effectiveness in children have not been confirmed.”

Good lord! Who would feed this stuff to children? More importantly, I’m dying to know what would happen if you did!

Anyway, they also tell you “How to use this medicine”:

Take this medicine by mouth with or without food. It may not work as quickly if you take it with a high-fat meal. It’s usually taken about 1 hour before sexual activity, but may be taken anywhere from 4 hours to a half hour before.

Ok. Now that I know how to use it. Let’s get on with it.

Here’s What Happened

I’m going to tell this part in sort of a narrative story like manner. I think it plays out a little better like this.

John P.: Hey baby. You’re never going to guess what I got.
The Wife: Did you buy another car?!?
John P.: No, no! I got you a surprise!
The Wife: A new purse?
John P.: Um no.
The Wife: Some new shoes?
John P.: Um. No. What part of “you’re never going to guess…” didn’t you get?
The Wife: Oh. Well, tell me.
John P.: Viagra!
The Wife: What?
John P.: Yep. Now we’re going to see what this baby can do with super-unleaded in the system!
The Wife: Oh brother…

Well, you can use your imagination on the rest of this highly romantic, sweep-her-off-her-feet banter. You’ll probably do better than I did. But eventually I did get her to agree to a test run of the new and medically-improved me.

So, about a half hour before our scheduled departure on the Love Train, I popped a 50mg dose of the blue wonder. I also drank some water. I hadn’t had anything substantial to eat, so it was more or less on an empty stomach. Then we waited.

Well, we weren’t really waiting. We were doing other stuff. Normal stuff. But I was standing by just waiting to “spring to life”, although I was also trying not to really think about it so as to not ruin the test results. And we kept waiting, and waiting. But guess what. The urgency never came. In fact, I could have probably gone to sleep and that would have been that!

But, being a man, eventually I did tire of waiting (big surprise), and it came time to get busy and see what this baby could do! So after setting the stage with a little romantic music (Beasty Boys, Run DMC and the always popular 50 Cent) we settled down for some sweet, sweet lovin’. It was fantastic (just imagine if I didn’t say that… I would be in big trouble!), but there was just one problem. Um. It wasn’t “different”. Well, actually, it was.

The problem is, as a result of taking the pill I experienced a few mild to medium side effects:

• It made me pretty tired. I mean, before any work was done!
• I got a little dizzy.
• I felt a little sick at my stomach.
• I got a headache.
• My eyes got pretty sensitive to light.
• I got a little pain in the center of my chest.
• Strangely, my nose got congested.

As you can see, a perfect set of situations for a romantic engagement… Oh, I should mention that prior to taking the pill I was in perfect condition. I had none of the symptoms above and am positive they were a direct consequence of taking the pill. All began within 20-60 minutes of consumption.

So basically what happened was that the pill gave me the same symptoms as a very weak version of the flu. I went from feeling 100% good to feeling 50% bad. Now, at this point, I’d like to break away from the details and get to a few generalizations.

5 Things I Learned From Taking Viagra

1. Viagra doesn’t make you (or her) “horny”. You’re still responsible for that part my friend. But if you’re taking this for recreational purposes, that’s probably not a problem… Still, don’t be thinking that Viagra is an aphrodisiac. You’re going to need to eat those oysters and take the Spanish Fly if that’s what you want.
2. Viagra will not make you bigger. That’s right. There will be no proud moment of “standing tall”, basking in your own manly magnificence. Unless, like me, you were already blessed with the “magnificent” gene. (Come now, you knew there was going to be a penis joke somewhere, didn’t you?) Besides, the guys from Enzyte already went to jail for promising to make you bigger, so don’t be thinking that anything other than surgery is going to do that!
3. Sex is not going to last any longer because of Viagra. (With one exception that I’ll get to in a minute. Get it? A minute? Never mind.) If you have an early arrival problem, you’re going to need to get some cream to take care of that or something. (Think of Bea Arthur.) Because Viagra is not a desensitizer.
4. You might be able to have a little more sex, but not much. Let’s face it, men have a refractory period for a reason. Sex usually requires a lot of work (it burns a lot of calories too), and most guys need to recuperate. Don’t expect that this pill will supercharge your cardiovascular system. If you’re a fat, out of breath slob… you’re still going to need an oxygen tank. So, even if you could do it again, will you really want to? Probably not. Especially not if it makes you as sick as it made me.
5. This crap is expensive!!! Yeah, are you ready for this. $16 PER PILL! And it ain’t covered by most insurance. So, you need to consider what is your money best spent on. Cause $16 will buy liquor, flowers and chocolate. Or it will get you a single blue pill. Do the math. A bottle of 30 pills goes for nearly a whopping $500. So buy a Corvette with that monthly payment and you’ll probably get more action!

The Finish

Well, in the end, Viagra for me was a flop. I was expecting to come away with hard evidence that this pill would really pump up the action for even an average performer. (And the little lady was expecting an extraordinary experience!) Instead, I came to the realization that Viagra’s benefits are fairly flacid. The long wait was certainly nothing to be excited about, and I wouldn’t bend over backwards to try and get my hands on it or anything.

Seriously though, if you have genuine Erectile Disfunction I imagine that it could make life very tough. Intimacy is a key component of our humanity, and you should not suffer in silence. I honestly think that Viagra might assist with obtaining enough of an erection for intimacy, and that is priceless (regardless of side effects). Please see a doctor about your issue!

But for those of you who have been wondering for a long time what recreational use of the little blue pill will do for you, I offer the following.

There are times in life when it’s worth it to look for the quick fix. But a sexual encounter with your loved one is not one of them. We were biologically wired to enjoy what we’ve got, and no pill is going to magically make that better. (This one actually made it worse.) So rather than letting the marketing professionals dominate your brain patterns with thoughts of enhanced sex, how about if we get back to doing it the old school way?

Dinner, wine, chocolate and romance will end in a far more gratifying experience than a cold hard pill.

Now, if you think this information is actually valuable to the Web you’re going to have to overcome any personal inhibitions and Tweet, Digg and link to this article. Otherwise it’s going to be lost amongst the SPAM when people are searching for real Viagra information.

Oh, and if you’ve tried Viagra, please tell us about it! I’ve already blown my cover, but you can be as anonymous as you want in the comments, so this is your chance to chime in!