2012 has started off with several new memes. One that is to making the most traction, particularly on Youtube, is a video series that starts with Sh*t_______ People Say. The _____ is filled with some type of or a certain group of people. Listed below are a few of the ones that I have found:

Sh*t Yogis Say:

Sh*t White Girls Say To Black Girls:

Sh*t Skiers Say:

Sh*t Vegans Say:

2012 is going to be a GREAT year!

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A millionaire decides to throw a huge party for his 50th birthday. During the party he grabs a microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!’

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A college student had some friends over to show off his new apartment, when one of them asked, “Hey, what’s the big gong and mallet for”?

“That’s the talking clock!”, he replied.

“How does it work?”, asked the friend?

Without a word the college student took the mallet and hammered the gong as hard as he could. A voice then immediately rang out, “Knock it off! It’s three in the morning!!!”

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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A 6 year-old and his 4 year-old brother are in their bedroom. The 6-year-old turns to his younger brother and says, “I think it’s time we start cussing. When we go downstairs I’ll say ‘hell’, and you say ‘ass’.”

“OK!” The younger brother enthusiastically agrees!

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the older brother what he wants for breakfast he replies, “Hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

Without a hesitation his mother smacks him so hard she knocks him down! He runs away crying with his mother in hot pursuit, spanking him all the while. She locks him in his room and shouts “You can stay there till I let you out!”

When she comes back downstairs, she looks at the 4 year-old and asks, “And what do YOU want for breakfast?”

“I don’t know”, he replies. “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

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A new convict arrives in prison, and he’s sitting in his cell with his new cell mate. Suddenly someone yells “243″ and the whole cellblock starts laughing. A little while later someone yells, “23″ and again everyone starts laughing. This happens every day between 2pm and 3pm.

The new guy has no idea what is going on, so he asks his cell mate, “what’s so funny”? The cell mate goes on to explain, “There is only one book in the prison, and it’s a joke book. We’ve all read it so many times that we’ve memorized the jokes. So now, we only have to hear the numbers.”

So, the new guy goes to the library and studies the book. After a couple of weeks he’s ready… Two o’clock rolls around and someone yells, “119″. The whole cellblock erupts in laughter. The new guy yells “198″. There is dead silence.

He asks his cell mate what happened? The cell mate replies, “Some people can tell a joke, and some people can’t.”

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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said ‘I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, ‘What’s your name?’

The guy said, ‘My name is Penis van Lesbian.’

The agent said, ‘Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’

‘I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’

The agent said, ‘Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’

‘So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”

So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.

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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Thirty-four,” she replied.

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Ok, we’re going to start a whole new category here on OMB. I haven’t added any categories in a long time, but I just realized that I’ve got no jokes on my blog! That is inconceivable! Anyway, here is the inaugural joke. Sent to me by my dad, and previously sent to him by a friend. Enjoy! And if you’ve got any good ones to share please send them to me and I’ll post the best!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’

I sure wish Colby Jones would illustrate this one for us! It would be awesome!

Oh, and the Daily News in Australia has a great article with the Top 50 Dumb Blonde Celebrity Quotes. Priceless.

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