I told him that was preposterous! Nothing scares John P!

The problem with statements like that is they lead you right into these stupid bets that guys make. So yes, this is a REAL bet. And yes, I must ask Nina Hartley any question that you put in the comments below. However, there are two rules to protect me. After all, my mother is going to watch this video!

• No vulgarity. I won’t say curse words or be crude.
• No talking about body parts for the sake of just talking about them. You have to ask REAL questions!

Actually, now I wish I was able to come up with more rules for this little bet, but alas that was all I could think of at the time it was formed. So, there you have it.

Anyway, I’m not really worried about it. I don’t think anyone can come up with a legitimate question that I would be embarrassed to ask Nina. I mean, they’re only questions… right?

Oh, there was one other tiny little stipulation to the bet. It’s no big deal really because no one is going to win. But if I’m too embarrassed to actually ask the question I must publicly admit it and give credit to each person during the video interview. (He freakin made me even put that last part in italics. Whatever….)

Caio!

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1. Tweet Scan and the Woopra Twitter-Storm
2. Lost Comments
3. Redfin.com – The Real Estate Revolution is Coming

By the end of this story you are going to be wondering if you want David Grisham guarding the nation’s nuclear weapons facility. More importantly you are going to wonder how many of the people running that facility are just like David Grisham! But I digress…

The “church” is called Repent Amarillo, and it comes complete with a military style website modeled after the US Army, and a hate map of all of their current targets including not only sex establishments but businesses, churches, masonic lodges, Islamic centers, Buddhist temples….

In their own words:

“…we cannot stand by and watch 67,000 of our neighbors walking through the gates of hell.”

So they intend to target and harass anyone who does not believe as they do until they either drive them out of Amarillo or force them to capitulate. Ruining lives, and stripping people of their constitutional right to freedom of religion. You know, whatever it takes to save you from yourself! (Or run you out of town if you don’t come around eventually.)

Here is a short video covering the tactics employed by Repent Amarillo:

And here is a nice little sit-down with David Grisham. He will dazzle you wish his ability to recall a quote from the bible! And it’s a good thing that he explains to us that the fact there is a church on every corner is no reason to feel spiritually safe!

I love the way he really gets stuck on the “sexual morality” issue. I mean, coming from a guy who has been married four times, and in his own words admits:

“I was a sexual sinner before I got saved. I got saved seven years ago. Prior to that‚ yeah, I’ve been to strip joints and porn shops. I’ve done all kinds of things” he says. “We understand the destructive power of sin firsthand. We’ve lived it. We’ve walked in those shoes.” These days he’s celebrating Repent’s victory over the swinger’s club. “We felt it was like the tip of the spear for sexual immorality for the devil in Amarillo,” he says. “So we went after that specifically, and we exposed it so it would wither and die. And it has.”

I love it when someone has partied enough for a lifetime and really, really lived it up till they get it all out of their system, and THEN decide they are going to prevent anyone else from doing what they just did!

By the way, I do have a small question. If these psychos are doing all of this in the name of Jesus and love, can someone explain the purpose of harassing people, making them miserable, causing them to lose their jobs, etc? I mean really, where in the bible did Jesus say, “I am the light, the way, and if you don’t follow me then my minions will make your life a living hell! Until you die and go to the real one…” I guess all that stuff about just ignoring non-believers and moving on was a bunch of crap, right?

Anyway, if you want to chime in and try to help the folks in Lubbock you can join a facebook group called Amarillo Citizens Against Repent Amarillo. Even if you aren’t from Amarillo just knowing there is external support could provide encouragement to those who are stuck there feeling like they have no one on their side.

In my opinion, it is pathetic that Repent Amarillo enjoys the very freedom that comes from being an American only to abuse it in order to disrupt the life, liberty and pursuit of happiness of those around them. And the more they continue to push, the greater the likelihood that violence will erupt. And when it does, God help Amarillo.

You can read more about this issue from The Texas Observer. And by the way, just because these guys are freaks doesn’t mean they represent Texas. It’s a big state. And 99% of us would gladly kick their asses and not think twice about it.

Related posts:

1. HDR Photos from the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas
2. Undercover Police Kill Innocent Homeowner
3. Why People Have Sex

Today, for the second time, we experience this deepest sense of loss with the passing of our “little girl” Lexi, and when she died, a piece of me went with her. It’s been nine months since we lost her younger sister Sandy, though I swear it seems like three. Now our house is empty and quiet.

Everyone I know who has animals love them. But it takes a very special dog to be loved by people outside their own family. Lexi was one of those special companions. She was not the kind of dog who jumped on people, or sniffed you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. She didn’t lick you, or demand attention. In fact, I don’t recall a single time she really did anything wrong. She was just a beautiful, graceful and gentle creature who would greet everyone at the door with a wagging tail and an open heart.

Lexi taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. For nearly 15 years every single time I walked in the house she was at the door to greet me. If I had a bad day, or was in a rotten mood, all I had to do was call her name and she was at my side in seconds. There was never a single time that she didn’t want to be with me, she was never once mad at me, and I know there is nothing she wouldn’t have done for me.

I suppose I’ll keep the rest of the story to myself. Those who knew Lexi will remember her fondly as a dog that truly had no equal. Unfortunately old age caught up with her and she succumbed to illness very rapidly and completely unexpectedly. I’m just sorry that we didn’t have time to let friends and family know in advance so they could see her one last time.

Lexi loved everyone. And in return, we all loved her back.

Related posts:

1. Today We Lost Our Precious Sandy
2. Lexi and Sandy Lounging Around the Kitchen
3. Valentine’s Day Desktop Wallpaper

Anyway, some people seem to think that they are not spammers as long as they leave a nice sounding comment along with their spammy “made-for-adwords” website link. And I guess they even think it’s ok for them to use different names on different comments… and different spammy MFA website links.

Another Spammy Example

In fact, here is an example of someone who used 4 different domains and two different names when leaving comments. Of course, they didn’t take into account the fact that they have the same damn IP address on every comment (all of which have now been deleted).

Oh, by the way, normally I would feel bad about putting someone’s name or email address up in an image, but since I don’t believe the names are real anyway, I have no sympathy.

By the way, before anyone points out to me that we could be dealing with multiple different people behind some sort of proxy server, let me point out that:

• This doesn’t explain away the same URL with two different names…
• I verified all this in Woopra too.

Why This Is So Very Wrong

The thing is, comments existing here ON MY BLOG for only one purpose. To facilitate discussion between people. But those who come here using fake names and linking to spammy blogs are clearly, clearly, clearly only doing so to attempt to sucker other people in clicking through to THEIR sites in the hopes of making money off of them.

There are many people out there advising bloggers to go and leave comments on other, more popular bloggers, websites. And this is not really bad advice – as long as it’s taken properly! The goal is NOT to fill popular blogs with spammy comment links! (The whole God-damn world is not about siphoning cash from your fellow man!) The goal is to try and develop some sort of a relationship with that person so that you can get them to take an interest in what you are doing and occasionally link to your material or offer assistance in some other way.

But there are so many people who just don’t get it… And to illustrate this point, right now there are about 14,250 bonafied comments on this blog, while Akismet has caught 440,000 spam comments. Over 97% of the comments left are spam! And in order to make sure that real readers want to participate in a site’s conversations, you better delete the hell out of anything that looks fishy. I do.

Bottom line: if you can’t walk up to me in public and introduce yourself with your real name, and have me know something about you personally from the link you left on my site, then your comment is suspect. In fact, I do not want any link from you unless IT TELLS ME EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE! And for God’s sake, I even spell that out clearly in the rules, which you spammers just don’t bother to take seriously.

So shape up, or kiss off.

Related posts:

1. Those Sneaky Bastard Spammers!
2. Terms of Use and Universal Comment Link Philosophy
3. Disturbing Trends in Blog Spam

In addition to my little kickoff, you’re going to hear from John Jantsch, the author of Duct Tape Marketing, Giovanni Gallucci, author of Facebook Marketing An Hour a Day, and Geno Church, co-author of Brains on Fire…

But wait! There’s more! If you sign up now, you are also going to get Scott Ellis, Chris Boudreaux, Mike Whaling, Jay Ehret, Mark Juleen, Charity Hisle and Brent Williams!

What, you thought that was it? Silly rabbit… As a special bonus, you are going to hear from Mark Roberge of HubSpot, Duncan Alney from Firebelly Marketing, Nadeen Green, Erica Campbell, Jason Falls, Brad Marting and Jennifer Nevitt Casey!

I’m tired just writing about it!!!

Seriously though. If you are involved in creating, managing or nurturing online activities I don’t know anywhere else you are going to be able to go and get this much in depth information from so many people who are volunteering their time to teach you this stuff. And it’s cheap. PLUS, there are going to be like 1,000 people there for you to network with.

If you go register before Jan 29 you can use the code “JohnP” for a $25 discount, making the event just over $300. But if you wait, it’s going up to $429. So do it now and you’re getting a sizable discount. I don’t know what else to tell you. Just do it.

Related posts:

1. John P. Lecture – Jan 30, 2010: Make More Money with WordPress, Social Media and Analytics
2. Return of the John P. Health Challenge – Begins Jan. 1, 2010!
3. The John P. Health Challenge 2010 Official Rules!

Do you see where this is going?

So, I respond to Twitter as if I was SMSing her, and Voila! The world has my private SMS! :-) Ever happened to you?

PS – AcciTweeting is a spin off of AcciDialing. That is when you already called someone, but you somehow accidentally call them back and don’t know it, and then they have to listen to whatever you are doing while saying, “Hello? Hello!!!” Aaron Phillips taught me that one. He loved to accidial me.

Related posts:

1. Another Man Corners the “Aaron Phillips” Market
2. John P’s Twitter Updates of the Week 2008-11-16
3. You Can Call Me Al Music Video and Lyrics

Now there are a lot of local folks who are always asking me for help and advice with your Websites. This is your chance to not only get a very hefty bit of information out of me, but to meet other people who are also interested in the same thing. So, be at this event because as you all know, I don’t have time to do this sort of thing very often. Also, the event is already overbooked so you need to register FAST in order to have a shot at getting in.

As embarrassing as it is, here is the description for the event:

We’re starting off 2010 with a bang! Dallas’ most famous, colorful, and high-profile blogger, John P. will be presenting an informative and entertaining talk on how to Make More Money with WordPress, Social Media and Analytics.

John P. is the CEO of iFusion Labs, the company that brings you Woopra, host of the popular Wealth Nation podcast, former Chief Marketing Officer for Layered Tech, and the founder of HTMLHelp.com. He’s also the lead organizer of WordCamp Dallas and likely the most prolific WordCamp videographer on the planet. His personal blog, One Man’s Blog, receives 10-20,000 visitors each day and he is an outspoken advocate of helping others to achieve similar success.

PS — Keep your evening open for the famous DFWWP “networking” afterparty at Sherlock’s Pub and catch up with all your WordPress friends and colleagues.

The lecture will be held at the Art Institute of Dallas, who so generously supports the local WordPress meetup group. We REALLY appreciate it! And by the way have you noticed that sponsoring events like this bring a LOT of exposure and attention? Just think of all the new people who stop by and visit the Art Institute who might never have otherwise done so.

Now here is the kicker! If you are going to come, you MUST register for the event on MeetUp.com!

The problem is, the space was filled up a couple days after it was announced and there is already a waiting list. Do NOT let that discourage you. Tony told me that he will try to find a way to take care of everyone who registers, so get your name on the list ASAP so that you can be accommodated! I’m sure that if the list goes over about 125, people are not going to be able to be invited. So HURRY… and please don’t grab a seat if you aren’t going to be there as others will miss out.

Again, it’s at 4pm in Dallas at the Art Institute. And afterward we’ll go over across the street and do a little socializing at Sherlock’s Pub.

The address is:
The Art Institute of Dallas
8080 Park Lane
Dallas, TX 75231
214-692-8080

Related posts:

1. Tutorial: Make More Money with WordPress, Social Media and Analytics
2. Giovanni Gallucci on Extreme Social Media Hacks
3. John P. Keynote at Optimization Summit in Dallas, TX – March 23, 2010

Now anyone who has to do a lot of traveling can empathize with the guy in the middle seat here who is stuck by this morbidly obese person. God knows I’ve had experiences where a huge person has spilled over onto me, and frankly I don’t want another person touching me for even a second, much less hours on a long crowded flight.

Now, I find it completely unacceptable that the gate agent didn’t stop this man before boarding and tell him that he simply isn’t going to fit on this airplane – but I can understand why they didn’t do it. No one wants to be placed in the situation of telling someone they are too fat to fly. But clearly, the evidence we see in this photo is that this man is not going to fit in a single seat no matter what they do.

So tell me this:

• How is this guy going to affect traffic flow in some sort of emergency situation?
• What do you think his fellow passengers are thinking?
• Is it fair that AA charges small passengers money to check a bag when this guy weighs more than a small person plus their bag?
• Do you think this guy could even fit in the lavatory?

So the real question is: Should the FAA actually step in and provide some standard guidelines for how fat you can actually be and still get on each type of plane? Personally, I think so since the airlines (except for Southwest) are apparently too scared to actually do something about it without big brother leading the way.

Oh, and it’s not an isolated event. This happens every single day…

By the way, if something like this happens to you, head over to Elliott.org and look up the airline’s contact details on the right side of the page and complain like hell! They should reimburse you as the most basic starter.

Related posts:

1. Southwest Airlines Mobile Check-in
2. Southwest Airlines to Eliminate the Cattle Drive!
3. SouthWest Airline’s Rapping Flight Attendant

Here is the video summary, straight from the horse’s mouth:

Now, let me be as clear as I can possibly be: the people behind these “updates to the guidelines” are 100% dead wrong, exhibit a complete and total lack of understanding of the Blogosphere, and have just wasted a whole lot of time and taxpayer money focusing attention on an issue that they neither can, nor should, enforce.

The Guidelines

So, what is the US government essentially demanding of it’s citizens? Let me sum it up for you:

• …an endorsement means any advertising message that consumers are likely to believe reflects the opinions, beliefs, findings, or experiences of a party other than the sponsoring advertiser, even if the views expressed by that party are identical…
• Endorsements must reflect the honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experience of the endorser.
• …the endorsement may not be presented out of context or reworded so as to distort in any way the endorser’s opinion or experience…
• When the advertisement represents that the endorser uses the endorsed product, the endorser must have been a bona fide user of it at the time the endorsement was given.
• Endorsers also may be liable for statements made in the course of their endorsements.
• Whenever an advertisement represents, directly or by implication, that the endorser is an expert with respect to the endorsement message, then the endorser’s qualifications must in fact give the endorser the expertise that he or she is represented as possessing
• … an organization’s endorsement must be reached by a process sufficient to ensure that the endorsement fairly reflects the collective judgment of the organization.
• Blah, blah, blah…

Nothing here sounds unreasonable really. They are basically saying that you need to be honest when you talk about a product or service, you need to have actually used it if you say you do, you are liable for your statements if you turn out to be a lying sack of crap, etc.

So what’s the problem? Well, lets get right to it.

The HUGE GAPING HOLES!

Celebrity Exemptions

First of all lets start with this example the FCC gives:

A film star endorses a particular food product. The endorsement regards only points of taste and individual preference. This endorsement must, of course, comply with § 255.1 (honesty, etc.); but regardless of whether the star’s compensation for the commercial is a $1 million cash payment or a royalty for each product sold by the advertiser during the next year, no disclosure is required because such payments likely are ordinarily expected by viewers.

So, let me get this straight… A celebrity (like Oprah) could accept $1,000,000 from Betty Crocker to say that she loves eating those brownies, but I could not? I mean you’re telling me that because Oprah is a celebrity its OK for her to get paid to talk about liking something? But if Betty Crocker gives me a single free packet of brownie mix I have to disclose it?

F**K YOU FTC!!! Ever heard the phrase “all men are created equal“? Look it up.

Ok then, so let me ask this. What constitutes “celebrity”? I mean, at which point do I get to stop telling people that I am getting paid to say something and just say it? I mean, is John P. a celebrity? What would it take to prove that I am one? I mean, I’m #1 on Google for John P. Does that make me a celebrity? My blog gets more traffic than most “celebrity’s” blogs. Does that do it?

How about Cali Lewis from GeekBrief.TV. Is she a celebrity? I sure think so. Does the FTC? I mean, if she talks nice about a Wiget because she likes it, and they give her a kickback on the back end, she doesn’t have to tell me right? Because “…such payments likely are ordinarily expected by viewers…” right?

Morons!

Celebrity Non-Exemptions!

But wait! Lest the concept of Celebrity be misconstrued to give someone carte blanch, lets see what happens if they talk about a medical procedure instead of a brownie!

Consumers might not realize that a celebrity discussing a medical procedure in a television interview has been paid for doing so, and knowledge of such payments would likely affect the weight or credibility consumers give to the celebrity’s endorsement. Without a clear and conspicuous disclosure that the athlete has been engaged as a spokesperson for the clinic, this endorsement is likely to be deceptive.

WHAT? So, Oprah can get paid $1M to say she loved a brownie, but if she gets her teeth whitened for free by a local clinic and she says she loves it – she goes to jail! Holy jeepers batman.

Are you confused yet? Well not as much as me, so let’s continue…

Stickin It To the Experts

A college student who has earned a reputation as a video game expert maintains a personal weblog or “blog” where he posts entries about his gaming experiences. Readers of his blog frequently seek his opinions about video game hardware and software. As it has done in the past, the manufacturer of a newly released video game system sends the student a free copy of the system and asks him to write about it on his blog.

He tests the new gaming system and writes a favorable review. Because his review is disseminated via a form of consumer-generated media in which his relationship to the advertiser is not inherently obvious, readers are unlikely to know that he has received the video game system free of charge… Accordingly, the blogger should clearly and conspicuously disclose that he received the gaming system free of charge.

Um. Questions:

1. What is the difference between an “expert” and a “celebrity”? Why does the celebrity get special treatment? I personally think experts should get the same treatment or better! I care more about their opinions.
2. In fact, what happens if the expert comments on the brownie in the previous example? Oh brother…
3. Why does the FTC assume that “…such payments likely are ordinarily expected by viewers…” when it comes to celebrities, but that “…readers are unlikely to know that he has received the video game system free of charge…”? That is simply ridiculous! I – like you probably – assume that EITHER one gets things for free.

And besides, getting a crappy little computer system isn’t as likely to make people wrongly endorse a product as getting paid $1M is! I mean, Tiger Woods was pimping OLDSMOBILES!!! Seriously?!? Remember that wreck he just got in? Yeah it was a Cadillac, not an Oldsmobile!

Affiliate Programs

Ok, lets talk about affiliate programs for a minute! Wait… I almost forgot. They left them completely out of the guidelines!

• So, what happens if I write a review of a product and include a link to Amazon.com’s page on the product? I mean, Amazon will pay me if someone clicks on that link and buys it. But I don’t get paid if they don’t buy it! What now?

So, are we going to amend the rules to state that not only if you get paid, but if you might possibly one day get paid, you still need to disclose?

Don’t worry! Newspapers are Exempt!

You may be thinking, wait a minute! What about my favorite news food editor who gets to eat at all the restaurants in town for free so the owners can suck up to them? What will happen to him? Never fear! According to this Boston.com article:

“Newspapers and magazines are not subject to the FTC’s new guidelines, even on their websites.”

Gee, that’s really swell. So, the evil bloggers (like me) need to be controlled, monitored and disclosed – but the heavenly news reporters can continue going about business as usual. Doesn’t that make everyone feel safer already!

Wait a minute! Since Boston.com only has like a million more readers than me, shouldn’t they be the ones having to disclose? How much damage can I really do as compared to them?

Other Hypocritical Crap

So, if the FTC intends to make bloggers disclose every time they get a free Koozie at a trade show and then review a companies’ product, are they going to crack down in these scenarios?

1. Lets say that Coke pays $1M in order to get their product onto the American Idol TV show. But how do we know that they really like Coke? And why didn’t they have to disclose the sponsorship payment?
2. Verizon decides to have a new nationwide marketing campaign for their cell phone service and they use an Elvis song as the theme for it. Elvis is dead. He can’t possibly endorse Verizon!
3. Every person that attends the Oscars wearing an outfit given to them by a celebrity designer is doing it just to get seen. Disclosure?
4. Your best friend owns a landscaping business. You’ve been spreading the word to help him drum up some business. You’re not getting paid, but he’s your best friend! And you haven’t been disclosing that! Shame on you!

The End!

If the confusion and inconsistent treatment outlined above aren’t disconcerting enough, keep in mind that I can think of about 20 ways to game the system even with “increased scrutiny”. For example, how about if I just move my business across the border to any other country on Earth and continue paying bloggers for their endorsements? The other 19 ideas are for sale. Just send me some money and I’ll tell them to you. And I won’t even tell the FTC that I got paid to do it!

The bottom line is that whether or not someone gets paid to endorse a product has no bearing on how I evaluate the merit of that product. I take a look at that individual, think about their credentials, evaluate the product, and make a final value judgment – just like the rest of the world. The FTC can’t legislate that. They need to stick to matters dealing with fraudulent behavior and stop meddling with topics where judgment and personal reputations are at issue. Caveat Emptor!

Related posts:

1. WordCamp Dallas 2008: Panel – The Business of Blogging
2. Bob Donovan, You Sir (and all the Other Spammers), May Kiss My Ass!
3. Tweet Scan and the Woopra Twitter-Storm

It is the girl’s 18th birthday today. She has a 6th grade education and was from Mississippi before running away and living on the street as a prostitute in California. She is utterly addicted to crack (and he’s her dealer). Legally can they wed?

Of course the question is rhetorical! They are two “consenting” adults. The fact that most people would agree this marriage is doomed to failure and divorce is of no legal consequence. The law is blind to all circumstances other than the fact that one man and one woman may wed.

The Quandary

How about this scenario: There is a couple that wants to get married. The woman is 33 years old, holds a PHD from Stanford, is a renowned scientist and educator and runs marathons and volunteers at a women’s shelter in her spare time. The other woman is 32 years old, holds a PHD from Harvard, and recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for her work in a third world country which brought about the end of hostilities. They have been living together for 8 years and are deeply in love with one another in a committed monogamous relationship. Legally can they wed?

Although their relationship has already outlived the national average life of a traditional marriage, and although they are both brilliant women who are stellar contributors to society, of course they cannot wed. Because again, the law is blind to all circumstances other than the fact that one man and one woman may wed.

A final scenario: A couple has been married for 20 years. They are highly educated, affluent, generous and caring. They cannot have children. Their best friends are another 20 year married couple, who also cannot have children, and the husband is killed in a tragic car accident. The three remaining friends go through a difficult time reconciling the death, and the widow decides she does not want to search for another soul mate.

During the process the three friends discover that they all have deep love for one another and decide to open their lives and share everything with one another. After 10 years of cohabitation, caring for one another and supportive loving relationships they decide they would like to be wed as a single consenting family.

Even though these three people are deeply in love, have 50 years of combined marriage experience, are well educated, affluent and have only each other to care for, a complete marriage is out of the question because the law is blind to all circumstances other than the fact that one man and one woman may wed.

Why is it that a man and a woman are legally allowed to wed under any circumstances? They could be incarcerated at the time for the most heinous of crimes. They could both be mentally deficient and generally just horrible human beings.

Why is it that two men or two women are not allowed to wed under any circumstances? Even if they are deeply in love and in a committed relationship.

Why also is a plural marriage not allowed between consenting adults? We’re talking about people living under the same roof, sharing the same life.

My Perspective on the Matter

In my opinion, if we were simply talking about the legal right of people to wed one another the matter would probably be a non-issue and all marriages would be allowed. However, many people believe that allowing anything other than a one woman, one man marriage will open the door to other abuses and social issues. Even if that belief were justified, potential has never been a valid reason for denying basic rights.

I would consider the concept of “freedom to marry” to be similar to “freedom of speech”. Opponents would argue that non-traditional marriages may result in legal or social problems such as underage marriage, child custody issues or the “watering down” of the very definition of marriage. But surely freedom of speech may result in slander, liable or inciting a riot. In both cases basic freedoms should be constrained.

The freedom to marry should not outweigh laws which prohibit a minor from marrying – no matter the orientation of the marriage, straight, gay or plural. Concerns regarding paternal rights do not change if a father has been married and divorced from two women with children, or is simultaneously married to both.

And as far as “watering down” marriage is concerned, social perceptions have no place in the law. (If they did, AIDS would be illegal.) Society will have to adjust and individual perceptions change over time. People will learn to evaluate the weight of a marriage between a 90 year old couple, married for 60 years, vs. a one month 20 person plural marriage performed as a record breaking attempt. This won’t be any different from the way people already weigh successful marriages (Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee vs. your grandparents).

The End

If marriage laws were changed to allow a wider variety of orientations it would be a beginning rather than an end. All sorts of scenarios will be discovered which test the boundaries of each variety of relationship. But luckily we already have a court system whose job it is to hear all sides and render a fair and unbiased decision!

I believe that marriage as a legal device is a fundamental right of all people. I also do not believe there should be constraints placed upon this legal device other than adult consent. I also think that it is only a matter of time before the courts system comes to recognize this right as no less fundamental than the rights of speech, assembly, and press. Marriage is the most personal of all legal institutions.

So, what do you think? And I just can’t wait to hear all of the religious arguments which are about to show up. I guess I’ll let someone else tackle the subject of “separation of church and state”…

Models

Please keep in mind that my fictional stories above have no bearing on the photos of the models I’m using to illustrate them. Much thanks goes out to the following:

• Image of guy with horns courtesy of Philippe Leroyer
• Image of the hooker is courtesy of DCvision2006.
• Image of the lesbian couple courtesy of feastoffun.
• Image of mugshot photos courtesy of Angus McDiarmid.

Related posts:

1. British Couple Commits Suicide Together After 54 Years of Marriage
2. The Best Argument FOR Gay Marriage
3. Show Us Yours! The Boob Blog

Now, I should emphasize, nothing caused this. Seriously. He’s a gorilla. There is nothing to piss him off. But all of a sudden, he got in a bad mood and started taking it out on all the other gorillas nearby. They are all running in fear, the people staring at them are freaking out, and I’m just thinking… you big, dumb ape.

Well, I expect that creatures who lack the ability to use a spoon might be wild and unpredictable. But you know what drives me crazy? Humans who do the same damn thing!

Lately I’ve heard a rash of stories from friends and family about situations they’ve been in at work in which customers are just complete assholes for no apparent reason. In fact, I was even at McDonalds today when this snooty woman came in carrying her child that was acting up. The extremely courteous young lady behind the counter greeted her quickly and politely, and then this dirtbag of a woman just started acting like that aforementioned gorilla.

Back in my grandfather’s day society didn’t tolerate that kind of behavior. They’d have escorted a rude customer right out of the joint, and then that woman would have been the talk of the town. I actually got so offended on behalf of the girl behind the counter that I snapped at that lady, “Hey! If you’ve got a personal problem, keep it to yourself! No need to ruin these nice people’s day, so how about NOT being an a-hole?!? It’s no wonder your kid has a bad attitude. Take a look in the mirror.”

For a second after I said that, the entire place was so quiet you could have heard a McNugget drop. The kid shut up. The lady turned and looked at me, and her mouth dropped open. And you know how sometimes you just know when someone is about to say something? Yeah, I saw it coming, so I hopped in real quick with, “You don’t want to say anything to me. I guarantee I am meaner than you ever dreamed of being in your entire life.”

It was amazing. She turned around, completed her order – clarifying that it was “to go” – and quietly walked off to the side. About that time, my food came up. I politely thanked the nice young lady behind the counter, who thanked me right back, and took my food to a table to sit and eat in peace.

Now here is the problem with all of this. What goes around, comes around. All of these jackasses are simply adding to the decay of our polite society. I bet I’m the only guy who ever reproached that lady in her life. And she goes around ruining people’s day and leaving a trail of destruction in her wake. But someone has to come in line after her. And once she ruins the attitude of the person who was helping her, service diminishes for the next person.

You see how this works? It’s a chain reaction. You ruin someone’s day, and they pass it on. But guess what! It works the other way too! I wrote about this over two years ago, so in case you missed it go find out how I Discovered the Secret to Happiness at 7-11.

PS – Thanks to Squid for the gorilla image.

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This is 50% crap, but it’s also 50% true. And since I’ve been fielding a lot of questions about this lately, let me see if I can break it down for outsiders in terms that are a little easier to understand and have some actual logic behind them.

The real magic of “new media” has nothing to do with the people. It is quite simply all about the delivery mechanism.

An Academic Explanation Using Simple Economics

In any industry, the cost of goods produced are ultimately borne by the buyers of the finished product. So, for example, if the price of steel goes up, the price of automobiles goes up as well.

But imagine a situation where a radical new material is developed that costs 1/100th the price of steel, but which is actually stronger, can be made in an ordinary kitchen, and can be used to build cars just as well!

What happens to the auto industry?

• Vendors who spent billions tooling up and staffing to work with the old technology have a huge investment problem on their hands. All of a sudden, their tools are essentially worthless.
• Their staff, which is equipped to deal with the old methods of production suddenly require massive retraining. They’ve essentially been obsoleted.
• Buyers learning of the new “upcoming” technology will stop purchasing the old stuff and begin waiting for the new ones.
• The value of obsolete products will plummet, and the price will follow.
• However, in the midst of industrial ruin and falling prices, an even greater demand for the new technology will emerge to fill the void. It’s simple supply and demand. As the price drops, more buyers emerge – but now they want the new stuff!

With the introduction of this disruptive new technology, the auto manufacturers who quickly recognize that the game has radically changed and who are tough enough to make very difficult decisions and retrain / retool for the future have a chance at survival (those who don’t will cease to exist). And because of the new radically decreased cost structure, new entrants will emerge in the market.

What’s All This Got To To With New Media?

Let’s apply the same exact logic to the Television industry. Consider that for most of the last century if you wanted to deliver programming to a large market, the barriers to entry were substantial.

• You had to purchase broadcast rights for airwaves from some governing body.
• Substantial investments in recording and broadcast equipment had to be made.
• Global reach required actual satellites! Mucho dinero!!!

Well, the good news is that the advertisers who supported the industry (the buyers) understood the cost to produce the end product and were willing to support it because there was, after all, no competing technology to deliver the same results.

But one day a few years ago, the industry woke up and learned that something had fundamentally changed. All of a sudden anyone with a camcorder, a computer, and an internet connection could reach the exact same audience – but for a tiny fraction of the cost! (The invention of the internet is like that new steel replacement we just discussed, for 1/100th the cost!)

The results of this radical change in technology? Well, its exactly the same as our auto industry above:

• Vendors who spent billions tooling up and staffing to work with the old technology have a huge investment problem on their hands. All of a sudden, their tools are essentially worthless.
• Their staff, which is equipped to deal with the old methods of production suddenly require massive retraining. They’ve essentially been obsoleted.
• Buyers learning of the new “upcoming” technology will stop purchasing the old stuff and begin waiting for the new ones.
• The value of obsolete products will plummet, and the price will follow.
• However, in the midst of industrial ruin and falling prices, an even greater demand for the new technology will emerge to fill the void. It’s simple supply and demand. As the price drops, more buyers emerge -but now they want the new stuff!

In this case, the buyers are simply the advertisers, who are deciding to hold off on the old advertising expenditures and shift some of that spend to the online medium to try and reach the same number of eyeballs at a dramatically reduced price.

The Real Impact of Decreasing Production Costs

Now, it’s not that the viewers or the advertisers have actually gone anywhere. In reality, there are more people willing to watch, and more people wanting to get their advertising message out now than ever before! But the reach of “new media” personalities has now matched their “traditional media” counterparts, and is threatening to overtake them. For example:

• I personally reach an audience of hundreds of thousands each month with this little blog.
• Cali Lewis reaches an audience of millions each month with GeekBrief.TV.
• Leo Laporte likely reaches tens of millions each month with his various shows.

But our costs to reach these eyeballs are radically lower, so advertisers now have the opportunity to pay a lot less to reach the same end goal, while Cali, Leo and I can easily maintain the same or greater margins for selling our services.

So, yes you will see new personalities emerge in the New Media era. These are the ones who recognized the change early, tackled the learning curve, and effectively carved out their space. But you’re also going to see the old personalities stick around, if they are able to adapt in the same ways.

As I said, it’s not about the people. It’s about their technology.

The End

Damn, that was a long winded explanation. I’ve got nothing left. But if you care to add to the story please drop a comment down in that little chatter box below cause I’d love to hear it.

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The day was October 28, 1940. At dawn that morning (4:00am), after a party in the German embassy in Athens, Mussolini (through Emanuele Grazzi, the Italian ambassador in Greece) issued an ultimatum to Greek Prime Minister Ioannis Metaxas to surrender, or face open war with Italy.

Metaxas, a career military officer and more importantly a proud Greek, was not inclined to acquiesce to Mussolini’s demands (surprise!), thus touching off the beginning of the Greco-Italian War and a series of unbelievable events that would eventually neutralize Italy, cripple Germany, and cost 1,000,000 Greek lives.

The Video Montage

Here is the story of Greek resistance as told through a short video. Heroic, yet sad.

For the Record

What happened next was nicely summed up by Congressman Mike Bilirakis (R-FL), Co-chair of the Congressional Caucus on Hellenic Issues, in a special order speech on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives to commemorate the anniversary of OXI Day (pronounced “O-hee”). It comes straight from the Congressional Record in Washington, D.C., October 29, 2003.

The full text of Congressman Bilirakis’ remarks follow:

Mr. Speaker, I rise proudly to celebrate “oxi” day. The historical significance of this day and what it meant to the outcome of World War II cannot be overstated. The outcome of a decision made on a day in 1940, had a profound impact on the conducting of the war by Nazi Germany. We’re talking about a stand made by a small, battered and courageous nation, namely Greece, against the larger, more powerful aggressors Italy and Germany.

By October of 1940, World War II had begun, and the Nazi war machine was already in high gear. Along with Hitler’s ally, Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, the German and Italian forces were threatening the whole of Europe. European nations were bowing to tyranny and destruction as the Germans and the Italians marched through Europe.

Great Britain endured Germany’s aerial bombardment, forcing Hitler to seek another avenue to subdue the British. Hitler intended to eliminate British operations in the Mediterranean in order to weaken their ability to deter German advances.

To achieve this, Hitler needed the Axis powers to strike at British forces in Greece. By conquering Greece, Hitler would gain access to an important connecting link with Italian bases in the Dodecanese islands. This would give the Italians a strangle hold on British positions in Egypt, where British forces were already facing attack from the Italian army in north Africa. The British considered the defense of Egypt vital to allied positions in the oil rich Middle East.

On October 28, 1940, the Italian Ambassador in Athens presented an insulting ultimatum to Greek Prime Minister Metaxas, demanding the unconditional surrender of Greece or Italy would declare war and invade Greece. Mussolini had given the Greek Prime Minister Metaxas three hours to reply.

Prime Minister Metaxas responded with the now historic word “oxi”, which means “no” in Greek. His statement embodied the true spirit of the Greek people. His words of defiance echoed the same devotion and love of country that Greek patriots exhibited during their war of independence against the Ottoman empire when they shouted the defiant words “liberty or death.” Prime Minister Metaxas’ actions marked the beginning of one of the world’s most heroic efforts against tyranny and oppression. Italy then invaded.

It is important to note that in addition to Greece having a population seven times smaller than Italy, the disparity in their armed forces was even greater: Italy had close to ten times the firepower of Greece in its army and navy and seven times the troops. Italy’s large air force had total air superiority since Greece had a very small defensive air force. However, despite their lack of equipment, the Greek army proved to be well-trained and resourceful. Within a week of the invasion, it was clear that Italian forces were suffering serious setbacks despite having control of the air and fielding superior armored vehicles.

On November 14th, the Greek army launched a counter-offensive and quickly drove the Italian forces back into Albania. By the next month, the Greeks had captured the town of Pogradec in eastern Albania. The fighting continued for a few more months…it was clear that the Greeks were not going to stand for defeat. In a last ditch effort to bring the war to a close before the Italians would be forced to ask Hitler to intervene, they launched another assault on March 12, 1941. After six days of fighting, the Italians had made only insignificant gains, and it became clear that German intervention was necessary.

On April 6, 1941, Hitler ordered the German invasion of Greece. It took the Germans five weeks to finally end the conflict. This delay proved to be critical to the outcome of the war. Italy’s inability to capture Greece enabled the British to win major victories against Mussolini’s forces in north Africa. This solidified British positions in the region as well as in Cyprus. In addition, it contributed to the failure of the German Barbarossa campaign to conquer Russia.

Due to Mussolini’s humiliating defeat by the Greeks in Albania and Greece, Hitler was compelled to capture the Balkans, mainly Yugoslavia and Greece, thus, delaying his Barbarossa plan to invade and capture the Soviet Union before the winter of 1941. The Greek resistance, both in Albania, and in the other famous battle in Crete, altered, favorably for the allies, his Barbarossa time table by at least six months.

Perhaps most importantly, the Germans never gained the advantage against the British. Although Germany had conquered much of Europe, its inability to decimate British and Russian forces early in the war would eventually prove to be fatal. Thanks to the heroic Greek resistance and their countless sacrifices, the war tide had been permanently changed for Hitler due to the delay of this critical time table.

Nearly one million Hellenes died during that time. That was 14% of the population in 1940. That is equivalent to losing 39 million people in this country TODAY in the case of a war to defend our country.

The entire Western world, discouraged and fearful of the Axis powers and the growing ugly war, took hope from these incredible victories. British Prime Minister Winston Churchill said of the Greeks: “Today we say that Greeks fight like heroes, from now on we will say that heroes fight like Greeks.”

A very small number of those Greeks who fought like heroes are still alive today – some now are American citizens. One of those heroes lives in my congressional district – Mr. Demetrios Palaskas who, along with others, has shared those traumatic stories of the mountain fighting by the rag-tag Greeks against such a powerfully equipped invader. We all salute you Mr. Palaskas – you and your many fellow heroes for helping to keep the world free.

Mr. Speaker, “oxi” day is an inspiration to all those who cherish democracy and freedom. It marks defiance against terrible odds. As an American of Greek descent, I am proud to honor the memory of those brave patriots who fought for freedom for themselves and ultimately for all the free world on this important day.

I’m extremely proud to say that my grandfather, Nickolas Pozadzides, was one of those Greek heroes who fought and survived in World War II. And I’m also extremely proud to say that my other grandfather Cranford W. Gordon served our country proudly in the US Air Force.

Consequences of Resistance

• Greece was eventually forced to confront four different armies: Albania, Bulgaria, Germany, and Italy.
• Greece resisted the Axis powers for over 185 days from Oct 28, 1940 – April 31, 1941
• The Greek victory over the initial Italian offensive of October 1940 was the first Allied land victory of the Second World War, and helped raise morale in occupied Europe.
• The Greek resistance influenced the course of the entire war by forcing Germany to postpone the invasion of the Soviet Union in order to assist Italy.
• By one estimate 311,000 people, or 4.3% of the Greek population, were killed (reference). Among them 140,000 died from starvation during occupation.
• Other estimates put the death toll much higher. For example claims that “over 300,000 civilians died from starvation, thousands more through reprisals”.
• The Greek Resistance, one of the most effective resistance movements in Occupied Europe, was formed. These resistance groups launched guerrilla attacks against the occupying powers and set up large espionage networks.
• Hundreds of villages were systematically torched and almost one million Greeks left homeless.

One of the most touching episodes of the early resistance took place just after the Germans reached the Acropolis on April 27. The Germans ordered the flag guard, Evzone Konstandinos Koukidis, to retire the Greek flag. The Greek soldier obeyed, but when he was done, he wrapped himself in the flag and threw himself off of the plateau where he met death.

Quotes About the Greeks in World War II

“For the sake of historical truth i must verify that only the Greeks, of all the adversaries who confronted us fought with bold courage and highest disregard of death.”
- Adolph Hitler (From speech he delieverd to Reichstagon May 4th 1941)

“I am sorry because I am getting old and I shall not live long to thank the Greek people whose resistance decided WW2.”
– Joseph Stalin (From speech broadcast over radio after victory of Stalingrad January 31 1943)

You fought unarmed and won, small against big. We owe you gratitude because you gave us time to defend ourselves. As Russians and as people we thank you.
- Joseph Stalin

“The war with Greece proved that nothing is firm in the military and that surprises always await us.”
-Benito Mussolini 10/5/1941

“Until now we used to say that Greeks fight like heroes. Now we shall say heroes fight like Greeks.”
-Winston Churchill 1941)

Greek Photos from World War II

More Resources

• Military history of Greece during World War II
• Flickr search for Greece WWII
• Oxi Day on Wikipedia

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I want to send a special shout out to Dan Bates from Monogodo who shared this article with me on Twitter. But come on Dan! What a waste of time that was! Didn’t you know? You could have been reading something “topical” instead of my random mindless dribble.

I mean, whatever was I thinking when I started my blog simply to post… whatever I was thinking? Good thing that Penelope set me straight with her opening salvo first sentence:

Stop thinking that you are such an incredibly wide-ranging thinker with so many interests and insights that you cannot be pinned down to just one topic.

Oops! I better get rid of that tagline up there too! It might be offensive! I mean, perhaps it’s wrong for me to aspire to be more than one dimensional. Maybe I should stick to only one thing that I’m good at? Forever. (Please kill me.)

She goes on…

In the history of writing, everything has a focus. It’s a contract you have with the reader. You stay within the bounds of the reader’s expectations, and if you do that, you can write surprises that seem to stray from your topic, and the reader stays with you. Because surprises are fun. But if there’s no contract because there is no focus, then there are no surprises. Every great piece of writing works this way.

Yes! That… just… happened!

Here I was thinking all along that people enjoy OMB because they never know what’s coming tomorrow. But I see now that this has been holding me back! If I would just stick to the same topic every day, then you would all be surprised if I use a few different words tomorrow!

I challenge you to think of a popular blogger who lacks focus on their blog.

What the hell am I? Chopped liver? I guess I’m just a random blogging piece of crap who accidentally happens to have a higher PageRank and Alexa rank than the next guy. Or maybe I’m not actually what you would consider “popular”. Because I’m not Darren Rowse, or Donny Osmond or someone… I don’t know.

Please do not tell me that you are just going to write whatever you want and you don’t care who reads it, or if anyone reads it. You are lying to yourself. Of course you care. We each have a limited amount of time in our lives, and blogging takes some of that time. Your blog is not your journal. Believe me. I know. I‘ve been keeping a journal since I was five. I have seventy-five volumes of handwritten journals, and it is totally different than blogging because it’s not public. The nature of a blog is that you are choosing to write publicly, so it is, by definition, for other people to read.

Damn! I’m not allowed to say that I’ll write whatever I want and don’t care who reads it? Foiled again! Crikey! Penelope has thought of everything! Ok. I won’t say that then! How about this…

I don’t give a F*%K who reads my blog! If you love it… Yeah! If you think it’s crap… Boo! I figure some things will appeal to some people, and some will appeal to others. If you subscribe and see an interesting topic then maybe you’ll read it that day! If you don’t, you’ll ignore it that day. Kind of like what we do with those things that have all the thin, flat, pieces of dead trees in them… What are those called? Oh yeah. Magazines. Or newspapers. Funny how those have so many topics in them!

In fact, I’m going to set up a meeting with my friend Robert Decherd and tell him he needs to immediately have the Dallas Morning News stick to just one topic! Dammit, he’s missing the boat!

In Summary

Ok. OMB is a worthless piece of crap. I am not a popular blogger. I need to quit acting like I don’t care what other people think and start writing for them, and not me. This is not my diary.

But you know what? I bet if Penelope spent an hour or so exploring my useless, wandering, non-topical, blog. She’d find plenty of entertaining crap. So, is that really a waste of time? 20,000 people a day don’t seem to think so.

Love, John P.

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I’ve been a little slow in updating the blog lately. Sorry for my lack of entertaining everyone as usual. Hope to get back to the fun stuff soon. However, in the meantime here are some updates:

• Alex Terehoff, a Russian blogger, interviewed me recently, and posted the whole thing in both English and Russian. I think it’s the most thorough interview I’ve ever done. So if you want to know anything about me, he probably asked!
• The big news is that Woopra is coming out of beta. Here is a blog post and a video of me explaining what is going on. We’re taking all feedback into consideration, so feel free to share your opinion.
• Tomorrow I’m leaving for Photoshop world in Las Vegas. I hope to come back a dramatically improved photographer. If any of you are going please let me know as I’d love to meet you. Just drop a comment below. Heck, maybe we could even put together a little meetup.
• In a couple of weeks, I’ll be speaking at the Blog World / WordCamp Las Vegas event. My speech will be unlike anything I’ve ever given. So, I suppose if you enjoy my previous lectures, you might not want to miss this one.

But I wonder… what the heck are YOU guys up to? I’m dying to know! So please leave a comment and tell me! Seriously. I’m serious about this. Do it! That is all… :-)

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But I would like to go hang with Kyle and the rest of the folks and just experience what is going on there? Who knows? I might even do some stupid shit and give a few comedians some free material. One can never tell.

Anyway, Kyle asked people to answer a few questions so that he could choose to give one person a free pass to bootcamp. And I decided to answer just for fun! But since there are like 100+ entries (plus who knows if mine actually gets approved!) I figured I’d share my submission here for you guys to tell me how I did. :-)

Yeah! A Quiz! I love quizzes! Psych. I hate them. But for YOU, I’ll take one. So here goes:

* How would you get the most use out of the bootcamp?
I would use bootcamp the same way I used Marine Corps bootcamp. To bring great death and destruction on unsuspecting small nations!

Oh, wait… How would I get the most USE OUT of bootcamp? Hmmm. Personally, I’d use it to make new friends. And perhaps learn how to be a better speaker, because God knows I’m not EVER going to be a stand up comedian! I’m just not that funny…

* What would be the most you can do with the information you will learn?

The most I could do with it? Well, I could video tape every word of it, have them transcribed by underaged $.50 per hour workers in India. Post them to a public blog. Write an e-book about it, then spam 80 million inboxes asking them to download the information. After I get 1 Million downloads I can then publish an actual book and claim to have a book that was read OVER ONE MILLION TIMES! I can then get richer than I already am, and be a famous comedic genius. Bonus!

* What would be the way you would maximize your connections there?

Well, I would start out by having sex with all the women. Cause once you do that, you’ve got em hooked. I would not have sex with the men. Well, maybe Louie Anderson. But that’s where I draw the line.

After the sex part, I guess I might ruthlessly beg people to follow me on Twitter @johnpoz, and on Facebook @johnpoz, and I might even invite a few folks to tag along with me and head over to the Playboy Mansion to hang with Hef.

But I think the Sex thing is the best way. Definitely.

* How would you use your new experience to make a lot of money?

I already have a lot of money. I don’t need any more. :-) BUT, if you want to give me some, I’ll donate it to a worthy charity.

* How could you impact other people with this experience?

Well, don’t forget about my best selling book! I mean, that alone is going to reach like 80 million people!

I suppose if you really wanted me to, I could also drive around and reenact the Charles Manson killings while telling jokes? But I mean, could you further define the word “impact”?

* What would you do with the new 3 camera shoot tape you would get of yourself performing, after you were coached by the best?

Well, it depends. You know the chicks I was going to have sex with? Can we film that?

If not, then I would want to take the 3 camera crew OUT of the studio… Go bar hopping with you, the crew, and the other students. Get everyone hammered drunk. And film the whole thing! THEN I would post it on my blog at OneMansBlog.com to entertain my mother, who reads my blog every single morning before she goes to work (true story).

* How would you make bootcamp apply to you having the most successful future possible?
Listen. What kind of a question is that? I already had sex with a bunch of hot chicks… I wrote a best selling novel… I made a viral video… Damn Kyle! You are a relentless slave driver!!! What more do you want from me?

Psyche. I love that about you man.

Love,

John P.

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This little game is called FabriTweet. And here is how it goes:

• You fabricate the most outrageous story that you possibly can fit into 140 characters or less.
• You Tweet it and use the hashtag #fabritweet

I’ve already set my search up in TweetDeck to keep an eye out for FabriTweets, so I hope that someone out there will play along! This could just prove to be a fun creative outlet to provide Christmas cheer all day long.

Oh, by the way! Don’t forget to LEAVE ROOM FOR RETWEETING. If you don’t leave enough space people will either not Re-tweet you, or they’ll modify your text.

G’Day mates!

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In addition to providing injunctive assistance to men who might actually have some sort of a problem (which may be a good thing, but maybe not too), the boys behind Viagra are clearly, clearly, clearly targeting a much younger and healthier audience in the hopes of getting them to use Viagra for purely recreational purposes. There is ZERO doubt in my mind about this.

Now, I’ve long wondered what the heck is supposed to be so magical about “the little blue pill”? I mean, does it make you last longer? Does it make you bigger? Does it turn you into a raging sexual animal? And while we’re at it, does Red Bull actually give you wings? The problem is, everyone has these questions, but no one with experience is willing to talk about it. Unfortunately, this leaves us with only one side of the story, Pfizer’s commercial messaging!

Well, I decided I was going to get the answers! So I got some Viagra, and here’s what happened.

Before we get started, there is something we should get out of the way up front. Any Viagra review is, by necessity, going to involve a lot of hot, steamy sex. This is something my wife was none too happy about. In hindsight, I probably should have involved her more in that part… (I don’t care who you are, that was funny!)

How to Get Some Viagra

Listen. You don’t want to go messing around with online pharmacies and off-shore doctors. There is a lot of fake crap out there! And this is your health involved here. So just go see your regular doctor and say something like, “hey, I want some Viagra”. If you are healthy enough, and you have a conversation about your rationale for using it, I’m sure it will be no problem.

WARNINGS! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!

Lets talk about the label on this stuff. First of all, the active ingredient is called Sildenafil. By most medicine label standards, this one seems kind of tame. I mean, I don’t see anything about bleeding anuses or anything. However, possible side effects include:

Diarrhea, dizziness, flushing, headache, heartburn, mild temporary vision changes, blurred vision, sensitivity to light, stuffy nose, or upset stomach.

What the heck is flushing anyway? Other than what you do when you get hit with the diarrhea they warn about…

They also Caution:

This medicine may cause dizziness, drowsiness, lightheadedness, fainting or blurred vision.

Because when you are rock hard, what you need is to be drowsy.

What is interesting to note are the Storage recommendations:

Store this medicine at 77 degrees, away from heat moisture and light. Brief storage between 59 and 86 degrees F is permitted. Do not store in the bathroom.

Do not store in the bathroom? Um. Most medicine cabinets are in the bathroom, so what’s up with that?

Common uses: This medicine is a phosphodiesterase inhibitor used for treating erectile dysfunction . It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor.

There are several warnings that come with the prescription. Basically, it warns you not to take Viagra with drugs such as nitrates, high blood pressure meds, narcotics, etc. Also, it you’ve been using any sort of drugs or device to get an erection, or if you have eye problems, ulcers, heart problems you need to stay away from Viagra.

But the best warning of all?

“CHILDREN; safety and effectiveness in children have not been confirmed.”

Good lord! Who would feed this stuff to children? More importantly, I’m dying to know what would happen if you did!

Anyway, they also tell you “How to use this medicine”:

Take this medicine by mouth with or without food. It may not work as quickly if you take it with a high-fat meal. It’s usually taken about 1 hour before sexual activity, but may be taken anywhere from 4 hours to a half hour before.

Ok. Now that I know how to use it. Let’s get on with it.

Here’s What Happened

I’m going to tell this part in sort of a narrative story like manner. I think it plays out a little better like this.

John P.: Hey baby. You’re never going to guess what I got.
The Wife: Did you buy another car?!?
John P.: No, no! I got you a surprise!
The Wife: A new purse?
John P.: Um no.
The Wife: Some new shoes?
John P.: Um. No. What part of “you’re never going to guess…” didn’t you get?
The Wife: Oh. Well, tell me.
John P.: Viagra!
The Wife: What?
John P.: Yep. Now we’re going to see what this baby can do with super-unleaded in the system!
The Wife: Oh brother…

Well, you can use your imagination on the rest of this highly romantic, sweep-her-off-her-feet banter. You’ll probably do better than I did. But eventually I did get her to agree to a test run of the new and medically-improved me.

So, about a half hour before our scheduled departure on the Love Train, I popped a 50mg dose of the blue wonder. I also drank some water. I hadn’t had anything substantial to eat, so it was more or less on an empty stomach. Then we waited.

Well, we weren’t really waiting. We were doing other stuff. Normal stuff. But I was standing by just waiting to “spring to life”, although I was also trying not to really think about it so as to not ruin the test results. And we kept waiting, and waiting. But guess what. The urgency never came. In fact, I could have probably gone to sleep and that would have been that!

But, being a man, eventually I did tire of waiting (big surprise), and it came time to get busy and see what this baby could do! So after setting the stage with a little romantic music (Beasty Boys, Run DMC and the always popular 50 Cent) we settled down for some sweet, sweet lovin’. It was fantastic (just imagine if I didn’t say that… I would be in big trouble!), but there was just one problem. Um. It wasn’t “different”. Well, actually, it was.

The problem is, as a result of taking the pill I experienced a few mild to medium side effects:

• It made me pretty tired. I mean, before any work was done!
• I got a little dizzy.
• I felt a little sick at my stomach.
• I got a headache.
• My eyes got pretty sensitive to light.
• I got a little pain in the center of my chest.
• Strangely, my nose got congested.

As you can see, a perfect set of situations for a romantic engagement… Oh, I should mention that prior to taking the pill I was in perfect condition. I had none of the symptoms above and am positive they were a direct consequence of taking the pill. All began within 20-60 minutes of consumption.

So basically what happened was that the pill gave me the same symptoms as a very weak version of the flu. I went from feeling 100% good to feeling 50% bad. Now, at this point, I’d like to break away from the details and get to a few generalizations.

5 Things I Learned From Taking Viagra

1. Viagra doesn’t make you (or her) “horny”. You’re still responsible for that part my friend. But if you’re taking this for recreational purposes, that’s probably not a problem… Still, don’t be thinking that Viagra is an aphrodisiac. You’re going to need to eat those oysters and take the Spanish Fly if that’s what you want.
2. Viagra will not make you bigger. That’s right. There will be no proud moment of “standing tall”, basking in your own manly magnificence. Unless, like me, you were already blessed with the “magnificent” gene. (Come now, you knew there was going to be a penis joke somewhere, didn’t you?) Besides, the guys from Enzyte already went to jail for promising to make you bigger, so don’t be thinking that anything other than surgery is going to do that!
3. Sex is not going to last any longer because of Viagra. (With one exception that I’ll get to in a minute. Get it? A minute? Never mind.) If you have an early arrival problem, you’re going to need to get some cream to take care of that or something. (Think of Bea Arthur.) Because Viagra is not a desensitizer.
4. You might be able to have a little more sex, but not much. Let’s face it, men have a refractory period for a reason. Sex usually requires a lot of work (it burns a lot of calories too), and most guys need to recuperate. Don’t expect that this pill will supercharge your cardiovascular system. If you’re a fat, out of breath slob… you’re still going to need an oxygen tank. So, even if you could do it again, will you really want to? Probably not. Especially not if it makes you as sick as it made me.
5. This crap is expensive!!! Yeah, are you ready for this. $16 PER PILL! And it ain’t covered by most insurance. So, you need to consider what is your money best spent on. Cause $16 will buy liquor, flowers and chocolate. Or it will get you a single blue pill. Do the math. A bottle of 30 pills goes for nearly a whopping $500. So buy a Corvette with that monthly payment and you’ll probably get more action!

The Finish

Well, in the end, Viagra for me was a flop. I was expecting to come away with hard evidence that this pill would really pump up the action for even an average performer. (And the little lady was expecting an extraordinary experience!) Instead, I came to the realization that Viagra’s benefits are fairly flacid. The long wait was certainly nothing to be excited about, and I wouldn’t bend over backwards to try and get my hands on it or anything.

Seriously though, if you have genuine Erectile Disfunction I imagine that it could make life very tough. Intimacy is a key component of our humanity, and you should not suffer in silence. I honestly think that Viagra might assist with obtaining enough of an erection for intimacy, and that is priceless (regardless of side effects). Please see a doctor about your issue!

But for those of you who have been wondering for a long time what recreational use of the little blue pill will do for you, I offer the following.

There are times in life when it’s worth it to look for the quick fix. But a sexual encounter with your loved one is not one of them. We were biologically wired to enjoy what we’ve got, and no pill is going to magically make that better. (This one actually made it worse.) So rather than letting the marketing professionals dominate your brain patterns with thoughts of enhanced sex, how about if we get back to doing it the old school way?

Dinner, wine, chocolate and romance will end in a far more gratifying experience than a cold hard pill.

Now, if you think this information is actually valuable to the Web you’re going to have to overcome any personal inhibitions and Tweet, Digg and link to this article. Otherwise it’s going to be lost amongst the SPAM when people are searching for real Viagra information.

Oh, and if you’ve tried Viagra, please tell us about it! I’ve already blown my cover, but you can be as anonymous as you want in the comments, so this is your chance to chime in!

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1. Buy Cheap Viagra And SEO
2. Return of the John P. Health Challenge – Begins Jan. 1, 2010!
3. John P Hard at Work

Wait! What’s Going On Here?

My other dear readers may be asking themselves, who is this Bob Donovan, and what exactly has he done to John P.? Well, I’ve got no idea who Bob Donovan is, but what he did to me was send me an annoying Twitter spam with a link to nothing other than an affiliate site (belonging to 10 Best Hosting 2009).

Oh, and that link does nothing other than direct traffic to the Web site link http://www.10besthosting2009.com/#1492937361/. You see that number at the end? I’m sure that is an affiliate tracking link, and 10 Best Hosting is paying this spammer to fish people in to their Web site. That is assuming they are not directly behind it!

By the way, you can’t trust anything that site says about hosting, because all they are doing is listing hosting providers who pay them the most money for referrals. You want independent “reviews”? Ask someone who is NOT getting paid by the people they are “reviewing”.

Back To The Filthy Spammer

But I digress. Back to Bob Donovan. This is nothing more than an automated “bot” which is using the Twitter API to look for the name of hosting providers and respond to the people mentioned in those tweets with a recommendation to follow their affiliate link. It’s merely disguised to look like a person, but it’s just as bad or worse than e-mail and blog spam. And of course I hate all spammers and want them to die!

Notice the Tell-Tell signs of an automated spammer:

• Several posts within seconds of one another.
• All using the Twitter API for posting.
• All with identical wording.

What’s a Boy To Do?

So what did I do about it? Well, if you are using TweetDeck, you can choose the User menu by hovering over the user’s Avatar and then select Block & Report Spam. Which is what I did. But who knows if Twitter will actually do a damn thing about it!

Finally: The Offer

So, the next thing I’ll do is offer Bob Donovan (or whoever is behind it) $5,000 to go three 5 minute rounds with me – full contact, MMA style! So come on Bob! You wanna make some money? Put your body where your bot is.

Oh, and just because I don’t want anyone to confuse the funny, joking, “ha ha” John P. with this offer, let me be clear. I will honestly pay, and this is a bonafied offer for one $5,000 ass whipping to any spammer who will take me up on it.

But make sure your insurance is paid up, because you’re gonna need it!

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Sandy was a Greyhound mix who we adopted more than ten years ago. My wife and I were walking through the mall on a Saturday afternoon, and the SPCA had a small booth with a few dogs who needed a home. When I spotted Sandy laying on the floor I thought she was an absolutely beautiful dog. I walked over and knelt down to pet her, and when she saw me she stood up, stepped toward me and put her head right up to my chest as if she knew and trusted me all her life.

We weren’t planning on adding to our family that day, but she was so irresistible that I fell in love with her instantly! So we adopted her on the spot and took her home to meet her new sister Lexi.

Over the past decade, Sandy and Lexi have become inseparable. Neither wants to be without the other, not even to go outside. They have both been our constant companions, and they love us more than I believe any human ever could. Their love is unconditional, immeasurable, and absolutely unwavering. Not a day has gone by when I didn’t open the door to find them both waiting to greet me. Looking up at me with those big black eyes and their wagging tails. In essence, dogs are everything we wish humans could be.

Oh… she was mischievous. We couldn’t leave important papers, socks, or a great many other things laying around within her reach because she loved to chew them up or hide them. And she would eat absolutely anything! If you were willing to put it in your mouth, so was she. Vegetables, fruits, candy, popcorn, whatever… it was all good to her!

But she also had a sweet side. She was one of those rare dogs that everyone seemed to fall in love with instantly. She was soft, sleek and beautiful, and she loved to be touched. In fact, just a single finger touching her was enough to keep her happy. And as long as there were people around, there was never a shortage of love.

Sandy held a special place in my heart which will never be replaced or repaired. I am going to miss her more than I could ever express.

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1. Today We Lost Our Baby Lexi
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