Specialization is for Insects.
A millionaire decides to throw a huge party for his 50th birthday. During the party he grabs a microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
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A college student had some friends over to show off his new apartment, when one of them asked, “Hey, what’s the big gong and mallet for”?
“That’s the talking clock!”, he replied.
“How does it work?”, asked the friend?
Without a word the college student took the mallet and hammered the gong as hard as he could. A voice then immediately rang out, “Knock it off! It’s three in the morning!!!”
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
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A new convict arrives in prison, and he’s sitting in his cell with his new cell mate. Suddenly someone yells “243″ and the whole cellblock starts laughing. A little while later someone yells, “23″ and again everyone starts laughing. This happens every day between 2pm and 3pm.
The new guy has no idea what is going on, so he asks his cell mate, “what’s so funny”? The cell mate goes on to explain, “There is only one book in the prison, and it’s a joke book. We’ve all read it so many times that we’ve memorized the jokes. So now, we only have to hear the numbers.”
So, the new guy goes to the library and studies the book. After a couple of weeks he’s ready… Two o’clock rolls around and someone yells, “119″. The whole cellblock erupts in laughter. The new guy yells “198″. There is dead silence.
He asks his cell mate what happened? The cell mate replies, “Some people can tell a joke, and some people can’t.”
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said ‘I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, ‘What’s your name?’
The guy said, ‘My name is Penis van Lesbian.’
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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Thirty-four,” she replied.
Ok, we’re going to start a whole new category here on OMB. I haven’t added any categories in a long time, but I just realized that I’ve got no jokes on my blog! That is inconceivable! Anyway, here is the inaugural joke. Sent to me by my dad, and previously sent to him by a friend. Enjoy! And if you’ve got any good ones to share please send them to me and I’ll post the best!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’
I sure wish Colby Jones would illustrate this one for us! It would be awesome!
Oh, and the Daily News in Australia has a great article with the Top 50 Dumb Blonde Celebrity Quotes. Priceless.
Yesterday’s post about the Annoy-a-tron brought back fond memories from long ago when I worked in an office where people actually liked one another and we all used to pull practical jokes.
In fact, we were very competitive about our pranks, with each of us attempting to out do the other. Here now is a list of the top pranks from the ‘good old days’.
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