World Class One-Liners

Most of the following list of insults from famous people came from Joe-ks.com and I thought they were funny enough to warrant publishing.

I’ll also be posting a few other oldies but goodies soon. Enjoy!

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

– Clarence Darrow

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

– Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

– Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

– Oscar Wilde

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

– Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

– Winston Churchill

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

– Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”

– Abraham Lincoln

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”

– George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”

– Winston Churchill (in response to George Bernard Shaw)

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

– John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

– Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”

– Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

– Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

– Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

– Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

– Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

– James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

– Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

– Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

– Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

– Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

– Oscar Wilde

“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

– Oscar Wilde

“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes.”

– Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”

– Andrew Lang

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

– Billy Wilder

“My prayer to God is a very short one: ‘Oh, Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’ God has granted it.”

– Voltaire