You Don’t Know SH*T! And I Can Prove It…

Please, dear God, tell me you at least have heard what Socrates said 2,500 years ago!!!

“I am wiser than this man, for neither of us probably knows anything worthwhile, but he thinks he knows something when he does not, whereas when I do not know, I do not even think I know.” (Plato, Apology 21d)

Well, whether or not you’ve studied philosophy or know anything about Socrates, I’m going to prove to you that you don’t know SHIT! I mean, you THINK you know a bunch of stuff, but in reality, you can’t even comprehend how deficient you are. So here’s a table of contents for your tiny little brain to understand what is to come as you read on…

Your Brain is Insignificant

A famous study by Hilbert & López in 2011 (here’s the PDF, and a SCIENCE interview with Hilbert) estimated that by 2007, the world stored on the order of 10²¹ bytes of information (that is a million exabytes) across all analog and digital media. That was before the real explosion of streaming, social media, AI training datasets, etc. Since then, global data has grown by orders of magnitude further.

Even if we’re conservative, here’s what we’re talk about:

• 10²⁴ bytes (~10²⁷ bits) of human-generated data today (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000)
• Versus 10¹⁵ bits of capacity for one brain (1,000,000,000,000,000)

So, perhaps the most freakish human that ever lived might personally be able to hold around 1 in 10¹² (one trillionth) of all recorded data, at absolute best.

But Wait – It Gets Worse

And that’s data, not “all possible knowledge”, which would also include implicit know-how, unrecorded experiences, all languages, tacit skills, info lost to history, etc. And to point out the obvious, this is also only HUMAN knowledge. We have no way to gather the knowledge of every creature that has ever lived… so the real “percentage of all knowledge” would be impossibly small.

But for ONLY human knowledge, a person might possibly know something like 0.0000000001% (ten-trillionths of a percent) or less, depending on how you define both “knowledge” and “know.”

So You’re A Moron

But it’s Ok Because we all are. Here’s how you can be 100% certain that you don’t know shit!!! I’ve compiled a list of 50 subjects that almost no one knows anything about, but which are real things! If you even recognize the topic name, you might not know anything about it. And if you were the world’s leading expert in one, you still don’t know shit about it – much less any of the others!

The Big List of Shit You Don’t Know

• Agnotology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnotology
• Study of culturally produced ignorance and doubt, often for political or commercial reasons.
• Archaeobotany: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archaeobotany
• Study of plant remains from archaeological sites to reconstruct past diets and environments.
• Batrachology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batrachology
• Zoological subfield focused on amphibians such as frogs and salamanders.
• Bioacoustics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioacoustics
• Study of sound production and hearing in animals, often for communication and behavior.
• Biomineralogy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biomineralization
• Study of minerals produced by organisms and how they form in biological systems.
• Carcinology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carcinology
• Branch of zoology dealing with crustaceans like crabs, lobsters, and shrimp.
• Cetology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cetology
• Study of whales, dolphins, and porpoises, including their biology and ecology.
• Chronobiology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronobiology
• Study of biological rhythms such as sleep cycles and circadian clocks.
• Codicology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codicology
• The physical study of manuscript books, sometimes called the archaeology of the book.
• Conchology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conchology
• Study and collection of mollusc shells for taxonomy, evolution, and art.
• Constructed language creation (conlanging): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constructed_language
• Designing artificial languages with their own grammar, vocabulary, and scripts.
• Dendrochronology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dendrochronology
• Dating and climate reconstruction using growth ring patterns in trees.
• Dipterology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diptera#Research_andimportance
• Study of true flies in the order Diptera, which includes many pests and pollinators.
• Engine turning / Guilloché: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilloch%C3%A9
• Precision mechanical engraving of intricate repeating patterns on metal surfaces.
• Ethnoarchaeology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethnoarchaeology
• Uses living cultures to help interpret how archaeological artifacts were made and used.
• Helioseismology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helioseismology
• Study of the Sun’s interior using its oscillations and sound wave patterns.
• Helminthology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helminthology
• Study of parasitic worms and their effects on human, animal, and plant hosts.
• Horology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horology
• Study and craft of timekeeping devices such as clocks and watches.
• Ichnology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ichnology
• Study of trace fossils like footprints, burrows, and feeding marks.
• Lipidomics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lipidomics
• Large scale study of lipid molecules in cells, tissues, and organisms.
• Limnology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limnology
• Study of inland waters, including lakes, rivers, reservoirs, and wetlands.
• Lithic analysis: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithic_analysis
• Archaeological analysis of stone tools to infer technology and human behavior.
• Luthiery: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luthier
• Craft of designing, building, and repairing stringed musical instruments.
• Malacology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malacology
• Zoological study of molluscs such as snails, clams, and octopuses.
• Marquetry: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquetry
• Decorative woodworking that inlays thin veneers to create pictures or patterns.
• Metagenomics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metagenomics
• Sequencing based study of genetic material from whole microbial communities.
• Myrmecology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myrmecology
• Branch of entomology focused on ants and their complex social behavior.
• Nematology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nematology
• Study of nematode worms, many of which are important parasites or soil organisms.
• Nephology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloud#Nephology
• Traditional term for the classification and study of clouds in meteorology.
• Odonatology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odonata#Study_and_research
• Scientific study of dragonflies and damselflies.
• Oology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oology
• Study of bird eggs, nests, and breeding biology.
• Onomastics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onomastics
• Study of names and naming patterns in languages and cultures.
• Palynology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palynology
• Study of pollen, spores, and other microscopic particles, often in geology and forensics.
• Paleography (Palaeography): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palaeography
• Study of ancient handwriting and scripts to read and date old documents.
• Phaleristics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phaleristics
• Study and collecting of orders, medals, decorations, and related insignia.
• Phycology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phycology
• Scientific study of algae, including seaweeds and microalgae.
• Phylogeography: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phylogeography
• Study of how historical processes shape geographic distributions of genetic lineages.
• Phytolith analysis: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phytolith
• Study of microscopic silica bodies in plants to reconstruct ancient vegetation and crops.
• Protistology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protist
• Study of protists, diverse mostly single celled eukaryotic organisms.
• Scrimshaw: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrimshaw
• Art of carving or engraving designs on ivory or bone, historically by sailors.
• Selenography: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selenography
• Study and mapping of the Moon’s physical features and surface.
• Sigillography: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigillography
• Study of historical seals used to authenticate documents and objects.
• Speleology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speleology
• Scientific exploration and study of caves and cave systems.
• Spintronics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spintronics
• Field that uses electron spin, rather than charge alone, in electronic devices.
• Taphonomy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taphonomy
• Study of what happens to organisms from death through fossilization and discovery.
• Teuthology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teuthology
• Zoological study of cephalopods such as squid and cuttlefish.
• Tinsmithing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinsmith
• Craft of making functional objects from thin sheet metal, traditionally tinplate.
• Vexillology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vexillology
• Study of flags, their symbolism, and their historical development.
• Xylology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylology
• Study of wood and woody plants, including identification and structure.
• Zooarchaeology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zooarchaeology
• Study of animal remains from archaeological sites to understand past human activities.

How To Sound Like a Genius (Even Though You’re Still Stupid)

Want to impress all of your “so called” friends? Well, I’ve got you covered!!! Here are some little things you can drop into random conversations. But when you do, make sure and walk away quickly before anyone askes what the hell you mean!

Arguing about misinformation online…
“People are so confused about this topic. In agnotology we would call this a stabilized ignorance regime, where epistemic opacity is maintained by saturating the information environment with high entropy, low falsifiability narratives.”

When a friend complains about being exhausted…
“You are not just tired. Chronobiologically speaking, your suprachiasmatic nucleus has completely desynchronized from your peripheral oscillators, and your phase response curve is basically screaming for a full light zeitgeber reset.”

When someone says the Sun seems really bright…
“Yeah, helioseismologists would probably say the p mode eigenfrequencies are just giving us another reminder that the convective zone is terrible at keeping its internal differential rotation to itself.”

At a lakeside hangout…
“This lake is so peaceful. Limnologically speaking, though, the whole system is a mildly dystrophic basin with a thermally stratified epilimnion and a hypolimnion that is one phytoplankton bloom away from hypoxic collapse.”

Heading into a tourist cave…
“The cave tour sounds fun. Of course, to a speleologist, it’s probably just a moderately developed karst conduit with a disappointing speleothem assemblage and an underwhelming speleogenetic history. But let’s do it!”

When someone shows you a fancy guitar…
“Your guitar sounds great! From a luthiery standpoint, its the result of a properly tuned Helmholtz resonance, a well matched spruce modulus of elasticity, and a bracing pattern that isn’t catastrophically damping the higher partials.”

When a watch nerd shows you their new piece…
“Sweet! A horologist would lose it over the radial guilloché on that dial, the ridiculous tolerances on the escapement, and the fact the isochronism is probably better than most people’s attention spans.”

In the kitchen, staring at a gross sponge…
“Your kitchen sponge is nasty. A metagenomics run on that thing would probably yield a microbial community with a Shannon diversity index higher than some published soil datasets.”

Talking about that green film on a pond…
“That green stuff looks nasty. Phycologists call that a perfectly respectable algal assemblage with a slightly eutrophic nutrient profile and a strong tendency toward photoadaptive shade acclimation.”

Commenting on baby name drama…
“This baby name debate is too intense. From an onomastic standpoint you guys are oscillating between historically overrepresented anthroponyms and a few low frequency neologisms that are destined to corrupt data sets in about twenty years.”

Someone posts a dramatic Moon photo…
“Nice Moon shot. I hate to state the obvious, but any selenographer would be more interested in the degraded rim morphology of those Imbrian age impact basins than the inspirational caption you stapled underneath it.”

Discussing shifting friend groups…
“Honestly, social circles work like phylogeography. You get these paraphyletic social clades where the ancestral haplotypes are still in the chat, but all the derived behavioral lineages have already dispersed to new niche environments.”

Summing It All Up

Hopefully we can all agree that everyone is an idiot. Thinking you’re smarter than someone else is just thinking you are less dumb. Remember that next time you make some absolute statement about something you’re so certain of. You know about 1 one-hundred-trillionth of a percent of anything.

And if you encounter some other idiot who doesn’t realize what they are, send them here.