I Didn’t Call 911 to be Validated…

When was the last time you were in a stupid argument. I mean, one that really shouldn’t have happened because no one was even really disagreeing? Well, I’m going to try and dish out a little advice to help prevent that from happening so much.

First of all, a lot of these arguments aren’t caused by an actual problem! They’re caused by a mismatch – one person wants acknowledgement, the other person goes straight to problem solving.

The 911 Test

Here’s a simple example… If your house is on fire and you call 911, you don’t want the operator to say:

“Wow. You must be feeling really hot right now. That sounds scary.”

WTF?!? NO!!! You want:

“What’s your address?!? The Fire Department is on the way!”

In urgent situations, acknowledgement is fine, but it’s background noise. The priority is getting you un-burned.

Now Flip It.

If you’re upset because a friend stabbed you in the back, and someone immediately starts solving it like a tax audit, it can feel cold, even if they’re right. Not because solutions are bad, but because you aren’t feeling heard.

I mean there you are, telling your heart wrenching story in all it’s pitiful glory. You’re just getting to the part where your best friend started making out with your lovey dovey – and the person you’re telling the story to starts talking about how we should change the dinner plans since they were both supposed to be there!

AAAARRRGGG!!! First they’re supposed to agree with you about how bad you were wronged! You don’t just jump to the end like that!

So Choose Carefully

There are benefits to checking emotions. There are benefits to sharing them. The key is knowing what the moment needs:

• Acknowledgement first when the goal is connection, trust, or de-escalation.
• Problem solving first when the goal is speed, safety, or execution.

If you’re not sure which one it is, ask.

“I’m 100% yours right now, but I need a little help while I’m listening – is there something time critical we need to solve? Or should I just be hearing what happened?”

That one sentence will prevent a shocking number of fights, divorces, and passive-aggressive dishwasher incidents! And not just because you learn what your role is at the moment. But because whoever is telling the story actually has to stop for a second to think about that as well.

You Don’t HAVE To Argue – Even If You Disagree

Keep in mind, you can validate feelings without validating a conclusion. First of all, make sure you’re really listening, and remind yourself that you care about this person and you WANT them to be happy! Then say something like:

“I think I understand why you feel that way. I want to make sure you’re at a stopping point for a minute, and when you are I want to ask a few questions to make sure I understand. I may have a little different perspective based on what I’m hearing, but I’m not sure.”

That’s two things at once:

• “I’m actively listening and trying to understand you.”
• “I’m not immediately disagreeing with you. I want to find common ground.”

Most people either validate everything they’re hearing (including nonsense), or they critique like a judge with a caffeine problem. Neither of which actually help.

Instead, allow the other person to get it all off their chest! Empathize! Let them know you’re there for them and you care! And when things de-escalate a little – which could be 5 minutes, or 5 hours, later – say something like:

Hey, can we circle back to this point you were making earlier? I was thinking about it, and I understand your perspective about why you feel that way, but can I point out a different way of looking at it without upsetting you?

The Cheat Sheet

• If it’s urgent: keep acknowledgement short, go straight to steps.
• If it’s emotional: acknowledge first, then add perspective or solutions.
• If you’re unsure: ask which mode they want.

Sometimes we need to check our emotions temporarily to solve a crisis. Sometimes we need to share them in order to participate. The trick isn’t choosing one and sticking to it forever, it’s situational awareness.