9 Rules for Air Travel (This Means You!)

I travel. A lot! What’s a lot? Well, in the last 8 weeks I’ve been on 20 different airplanes. (And I’m writing this while waiting for a flight now…) And you know what I’m sick of even more than the overpriced airlines and late arrivals? The other passengers.

I’ve developed the following list of rules that people need to follow for the general betterment of mankind when traveling by air. If you violate them, just know that I – and probably everyone else – am cursing you and wishing horrible things upon your bloodline.

1. Your breath stinks! For the love of God, have a mint or chew some gum or something.

   I had to sit by a guy who went to sleep with his face pointing my way – punishing me with his foul breath for hours. I spent the entire flight hoping the smell was due to a horrible disease.

2. Yes, your farts stink! Dammit! I understand that you’ve got a problem, but if you have to do that go to the bathroom!

   This problem is becoming epidemic lately, and some people smell like something crawled up in them and died. So get some Gas-X or Tums or something and stop poisoning the air.

3. Stop touching my leg! You’ve been allocated the same space that I have. Given that my legs are longer than yours and I can keep them to myself, you can too.

   The only exception to this rule is if you are a smoking hot babe.

4. If you are spilling into my space, start the flight with an apology. I understand that you are overweight or a giant. But that doesn’t mean that you won’t be infringing on my space. The least you can do is be cordial and apologetic about it.

   Oh, and if you have to request the seatbelt extension, seriously, you owe it to your fellow passengers to book a first class ticket. Everyone understands you’ve got a weight problem, but we still shouldn’t have to suffer.

5. You don’t own the armrest. Sure, I don’t mind sharing, but don’t hog it all flight – even if you are huge and sitting by someone small… especially then.

   And if you are going to sleep, cross your arms. You won’t be needing the armrest!

6. Be gentle with the damn trays! Are you really too dense to realize that the tray is connected to my seatback? Well, it is. So when you are raising and lowering it do it slowly and with as little force as required.

   Oh, and if you have kids, control them. I’m going to choke the next one that is kicking the back of my seat or playing with the tray.

7. Look before you lean! I know they are packing us into these giant aluminum tubes like sardines, so you may need to recline a little, but there is no excuse for rocketing back into my face like it’s a LazyBoy recliner!

   If you need to recline take a quick glance back to make sure you aren’t going to crush my laptop in the process and maybe give me a heads up it’s coming. Also, don’t go all the way back unless you really need it. Usually half the recline is still sufficient and more friendly to your seat-mate.

8. Don’t bump me on the way to your seat! I know you’re carrying all your crap, but you know what? So did I. And I didn’t hit anyone.

   If you can’t carry it properly then check it and wait at the baggage claim with the other considerate people.

9. No perfume is allowed! Listen lady, you are in an enclosed space with 200 other people, some of which have allergies or asthma.

   You can wait until we land to torture your poor traveling companion, but spare the rest of us.

The bottom line is, don’t do anything on an airplane that you wouldn’t do in an enclosed car with your mother, priest, or daughters present. You rude bastards!